I never really was aware of my addictions. I mean sure I had seen the Lifetime movies and thought "wow that must be scary", yet never was aware that I was living what was on screen. I was addicted. To what you may ask? My best answer....that I can come up with is chaos. I was addicted to making my life not manageable. I would go through the motions. I would pretend that I was okay. I would only "use" when no one could see. When they say a drunk only drinks alone, it was true my case. I was addicted to anything that would make the pain go away. I was always a little depressed as far back as I can remember. They labeled me bipolar at age 14. I had a nervous breakdown because my favorite Grandma was being put in jail. Later on I said my goodbyes and she was sent to Prison. This was like my light was shut off. The only person I could turn to was being put somewhere so far away from me. I can remember turning to smoking cigarettes back then.
I was a freshman in high school. I was an honor student. I had my whole life ahead of me. Right? Class of 2000 from an elite high school in Ohio. I could do anything. I felt that I could. I couldn't.
My first drink was probably at age 6. I would sneak my parents beer when they were not looking. I can still remember how I loved how Miller Beer tasted. I would always be the social butterfly growing up. Always the center of all the attention. My dad was diagnosed with schizophrenia (paranoid) before I was born. I guess I was the "miracle baby" so to speak.
My mom was married to her old friend from high school. They both worked good jobs. We lived in a nice neighborhood at the time 1982. My parents had been married since 1979. I was a planned pregnancy. I was supposed to be due on Valentine's day. I was born stubborn. I was born healthy and happy on Feb. 19 1982. My mom always tells me about how she was glad she made it to the hospital because my dad was busy smoking his cigarettes to deal with life.
My mom is the hero in my life story. I never realized that she cared. I always thought I was doing something to make her disappointed. I wanted to be that perfect daughter. I was far from such so I think my whole life I have been over-compensating. My dad was so cool growing up. He would play music with me. Old records and new up-coming music from as far back as I can remember. I knew dad was a little off. I think I first noticed I was about three. He would start talking to me but it was directed at another. I think that was the hardest thing. I wanted to cure him and I couldn't. I wanted others to see that he was my daddy. Not just some crazy person. I love my dad, but if I would have stayed with him after age 8, I think I would still be as crazy as he is. Not that is bad, but I have plans for my life and nothing was going to stop them. Not even my parents.
