My thoughts Feb. 2008

I look for a place above and beyond my deepest expectations

I hope for a world that sees me for who I really am

I wonder about where I go from here..

I stay up nights hiding from where I need to be

Needing the understanding of my true existence

Where am I?

In a land of the free….

Free mind yet trapped

In a place where my own inhibitions keep me

From where I need or long to be in life

I have wonderful influences

Yet so many negative attributes

That I wonder why I am here

I know to be a mother to my son

Where as he is a wondering soul without guidance

Yet if I don't know where I am going

Then how can he?

I have developed an understanding

As to why I live the way I live

Yet I do not think I have completely accepted it

I know that I live a crazy life

I have quoted this time and time again

The mouthy words yet have no meaning

I take time to reflect on to what is really important

Is my happiness even a factor in my life equation

Is dreams of my future just a myth

Or am I just living day to day

Hoping for it all to end and for my life to be normal again

I wish to shout from the rooftops

HELP ME

And take me away Lord

Please forgive me of my trespasses and let them trespass through me

Please get me out of my misery

Help me to see another way

Yet I sit here and dream…

For a past-time where in my craziness

My life actually had purpose

Where I was myself for once

And whatever I said or did mattered

I had dreams, expectations, and hopes

Where is my hopes now are sad

They have no purpose but to stand there dormant

Where I am going through the motions but am standing still

Dreading for the morning

Because my drifting dreams do not come true

As I wish to live in the floating imagination of my mind

Where no one can hurt me

I can wake up where I hurt day in and day out

I go in and out

Hoping and dreaming for a better day

Where I want to be awake

When life made sense

Yet I float on…miserable

Saddened on the disbelief that I can make it through another day

Dream once again

It will be the only way to get through

Just keep the words flowing and the thoughts

To be true and genuine

Where my depression can be a distant memory of what once was

Where the hurt can be masked my happiness

Once again

Where my mania can overpower my drive

To dive so to speak

Grasping for air

As I can barely breathe in my own being

So sad as to why I cannot say these thing sto others

And to my head these thoughts lie

Sleep baby sleep

What I need yet my thoughts will no turn off

Eyes droop and thoughts keep coming

Not manic but clear

For once in my life

I can see an out

Wherever that out is

As it is not as far away as it once was